Why I love The Oscars

True, it's really just an excuse for a collective Hollywood blow-job. But isn't it a fun show to rip apart? Don't you love to see them mess up? Or rate the clothing/jewelry? Or see if Johnny Depp will come out of hiding?  Will Helen Mirren look sexier than women half her age—again? Will Sean Penn lecture us about something? Even though what he's professing is probably right, it's correct to bash this talented, pugilistic bastard. Will someone be brave enough to put a sock in James Cameron's mouth? Don't need to know your peeing schedule, Jimmy. Please, pretty please, can the camera remain on George Clooney all night? Will Drew Barrymore wear a bra? All serious questions for these serious economic times.

I will admit to cringing every time a self-indulgent singer takes the stage to perform one of the original songs. Will it be Celine Dion? (Does she still refer to herself in the third person?) Karaoke bars are much more fun. And I, too, retreat to the kitchen when the President of the Academy comes out to give his boring speech. But, hey, invite your friends over, order some pizzas, and get ready for a drinking game. Every time one of the following is said, take a swig of your favorite beverage:

• We're running late
• We shouldn't be here tonight because, you know, Chile, Haiti...but on with the show!
• A winner says he/she wasn't expecting this but then whips out a prepared speech & turns his/her head for the perfect camera angle
• Julia Roberts (you know she'll be there) flashes that toothy smile accompanied by that loud laugh
• Any winner thanks God, their kindergarten acting coach who just knew they could make something of themselves, etc
• There's a Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen reference

Here are my predictions for the big categories:

• Best Picture: The Hurt Locker (yes, people, it's better than Avatar)
• Best Actor: Jeff Bridges (haven't seen his movie but I love him & am rooting for him)
• Best Actress: Sandra Bullock (just seems like it's her year—remember, it's about the Hollywood club)
• Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz (fantastic performance)
• Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique (really good)
• Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow (Avatar should win numerous technical awards, but The Hurt Locker is a far superior film)

Waiting for Sunday, March 7th....Bring it, Hollywood!!