Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Royal Wedding

Woo Hoo! The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge can legally have sex now! I hope they got the George Foreman grill I sent them.

I watched the whole damn thing, live. I'm in SF, so that means 3 am. Didn't mean to. I fell asleep on the couch around 9:45 pm, woke up at 2:15 am, and said to myself: What the hell! 

Now, I'm not British, so I don't get the hat thing. I realize it's a social faux pas not to wear one at this wedding. But why did Princess Beatrice feel the need to wear her IUD on top of her head? Just doesn't make sense to me. I didn't think women in their 20's used them anymore.

And what's up with Tweety Bird, aka Queen Elizabeth? So much yellow. I'm convinced she only owns one outfit that's dyed every night. Camilla looked...actually she looked pretty good. No joke there, sorry.

On to the main event: Catherine. What a great name for a future Queen. The last one, Catherine of Aragon, was married to Jonathan Rhys Meyers, I mean Henry VIII, and was tossed aside for that trollop, Anne Boleyn. Our Catherine is safe, though. William loves her. After all, he kissed her twice on the balcony. Geez, guys, get a castle!

Ahh, the dress. I think it was a wonderful variation of Grace Kelly's dress. Kate was able to show off her figure and pretty neckline without being sexy (God forbid), cover her arms (again, God forbid), look fairly modern, wear her hair down the way Wills likes it, and look like a princess all at the same time.  She even managed to keep her nerves in check. Well done!

In contrast, Diana looked like she was completely overwhelmed in her mounds of wrinkled taffeta—and terrified. Poor thing. She had to sleep with Charles that night. No one should have to experience that.

Let's talk about Pippa. Wow, she looked amazing, despite the excessive self-tanning. Leave the orange skin to Donald Trump, please. This dress was definitely more modern than Kate's. Loved the low scooped neck, the slinky fit, the buttons down the back, and the half-up and half-down hair clipped with flowers. Kate would have looked great in that dress too, but, again, the future Queen can't sashay through Westminster Abbey. 

I think the little bridesmaids wore dresses that were similar to the dresses Diana's little bridesmaids wore. Maybe that was another way to invoke Diana's memory. Either way, they were cute.

Overall, it was a great show. I'm glad I decided to watch it. And I'm also glad, America, that you don't require hats.

Harry, you're on deck! I know you can party!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Dear President Obama and Congress:

I've mismanaged my funds and can't decide on a budget for next year. This means I'm going to have to shut down my checkbook and credit cards. Gosh darn it! I won't be able to pay my taxes on April 15th. You're such a benevolent group. I know you understand my predicament and wish me well. Thanks guys! You're the best.

Hugs and Kisses,

The American People